Faded Thoughts
by TithenElleth
Summary: You know the iconic radiation scene from Star Trek into Darkness? My take on it from inside Kirk's head. Angst. Spoilers for STiD. Spirk.


Hey there! Just my quick rendering of the radition scene in _Star Trek into Darkness. _This is probably so over done, but enjoy!

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"Open it."

Two words, spoken with sure ferocity, faintly forced their way through the pounding in Kirk's ears. He knew that voice. The accented reply was lost in the endless pumping of blood in his temples. Forever rhythmic two beats over and over again, though perhaps for not that much longer. He knew his time was running out. Such a simple thing...a heartbeat.

Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom.

A shape, blue, black, and white, crouched in front of him and hands reached in vain toward the glass...toward him. Spock. His elegant, precise, logical first officer. His Spock.

"How's our ship...?" He asked, words hoarse and rough against his vocal cords. Our ship. For the first time he felt comfortable saying that, extending the ownership to someone beyond himself. His shining metal lady, perfect in every way. But it wasn't just his anymore. It couldn't be. Our ship. His and Spock's. Yes...it felt...right.

"Out of danger." Spock's reply was stable, yet he could still hear the strong undercurrents of emotion welling up beneath. "You saved the Enterprise. You saved the crew." Spock's pale hands reached again for him, brushing against the thin, transparent barrier between them. He searched his eyes, seeing the deep rooted emotion in the deep brown orbs, so very human.

"And you...used what he wanted...against him, Spock." He forced the words up through his throat, even as he could feel his body weaken further, radiation poisoning his cells, one by one. "Nice move."

"It is what you would have done." Spock's voice wavered just the slightest bit in the middle.

Kirk blinked once, slowly. "And this...this is what you would have done." He whispered back, unable to muster the energy to do much else. Then with a hint of a smile he added, "It was logical." And he knew it was what Spock would have done. It was what Spock had done...in the alternate universe, and perhaps that's why he had done it. Because he could not stand to be where Spock stood now, looking at him in his position. It would kill him...as it was now killing Spock, he realized.

His sharp eyes did not miss the tiny shake of Spock's head, the tiny flick of his eyes at his words. "I'm scared Spock." He croaked, mentally ruefully smiling at the irony; wasn't that the point of the Kobayashi Maru? To experience fear. Oh...that trial seems eons ago, light years away. But he watched as Spock's impassive mask broke at these three simple words, the pain in his eyes spreading across the pale skin and lining his mouth. "Help me not to be..." He breathed faintly.

He briefly wondered what the Vulcan was thinking...was he hurting emotionally as much as he was? Or was he not feeling anything? Another look into those hurt brown human eyes answered his question for him. Spock was hurting, it was written plainly into his irises just as if they were open books. But he asked anyway, "How do you choose not to feel?"

Pained eyes met his, honest, oh so honest. "I do not know. Right now I am failing." Simple words, but so complex for a Vulcan. Such emotion in Spock's voice...could it be?

Suddenly Kirk wanted him to know. Everything. His eyes focused on Spock, blurring everything else out. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." He began in a halting voice.

A sad voice gently cut over his. "Because you are my friend." _No!_ Sobbed Kirk in his head, _no...that's not_...but then the mental voice grew quiet as a solitary tear trickled from Spock's eye and down his cheek like a solitary pearl.

He yearned to reach out and brush it away with a soft touch. He wanted the pain to go away, he wanted Spock to stop hurting. He wanted to say too much in so little time. He gathered his strength and place one palm on the thin barrier between them, watching as Spock jerkily mirrored his motions, one hand on the glass, the other again reaching in vain for his face. He smiled at their barely separated hands, knowing what it truly meant, before shutting his eyes briefly, searching for some sort of Spock's warmth to leech through the cool glass...but nothing.

His body ached for Spock's warmth, though he had never once felt it, he wanted it now, yearned for it; for the light touch of his fingers on his face as they pulled together in a meld...a meld where he could tell Spock everything. His gaze drifted from their almost touching hands up to Spock's wide emotional eyes. His lips parted once more, a breath drawing to so he could tell him, just three little words. But he knew it was only in vain, even as he breathed in, his hand slipped from the cool glass surface, his vision darkened.

No! He wailed internally, not yet...please. He tried seeking out Spock's comforting brown gaze once more, but to no avail. I love you. He thought fiercely, the cry echoing so strongly inside his head, the thought that maybe if he thought hard enough that maybe Spock didn't need to touch him to hear it...

_I love you._

But in his heart, he knew it was too late. There was no time to say what needed to be said. Only a single thought, unheard by the being on the other side of the glass.

_I love you...Spock._

His hand fell limp to his lap, and the last tremors stilled in his body as the last lights faded from his eyes.

For James T. Kirk, time had finally run out.

But for the being on the other side of the glass, it was like the pain had only begun. For those lifeless eyes had missed seeing the realization creep through the sadness in Spock's eyes, the shocked look that would have told him that the final piece had clicked inside his first officer's head. The hurt gaze that would have shattered his own heart further. The gaze that said, _I can't loose you now that I know...but I am...and it's killing me. I could have had you...but it's too late._

A single gaze that said,

_I love you, t'hy'la._

A gaze that turned from anugished to angered as Spock's final emotional damns were bretched ad he screamed a name into the still air.

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

The single sylible stretched on forever as the fire for revenge entered the Vulcan's veins and a single solitary thought became fixed in his mind.

_Kill. Kill him for Jim._

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Thanks for reading and leave your comments and criticism!

-tithenelleth


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